Toxic elderly parents suck the life out of their children who, even as adults, are constantly drawn back into their poisonous web of abuse, lies and denial. Find out how you can break free.
Toxic Parents, and how to handle them, are the most frequent topics discussed in our online Support Group. Indeed, taking care of elderly parents who didn’t take care of you is the “worst case scenario” of aging.
In her remarkable book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
- Why toxic parents are so very different from normal parents;
- How their toxicity scars their children so badly that they grow into adulthood feeling inadequate, unloved and worthless;
- What you can do about it now; and
- How to build your self-confidence, inner strength and emotional independence.
When you were a child …
- Did your parent(s) tell you that you were bad or worthless.
- Did they call you insulting names or intentionally embarrass you in public? Perhaps in front of your friends, or in front of your friends’ parents?
- Did they constantly criticize you, or tell you that you would never amount to anything?
- Did they seem to enjoy making you cry?
- Did your parents frequently use physical pain to discipline you?
- Did you have to take care of your parents because they frequently got drunk or used drugs?
- Were you frightened of your parents?
- Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?
Now that you are an adult …
- Do your parents still treat you like a child?
- Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
- Do your parents control you with threats or guilt trips?
- Do you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?
- Do they blame you for their problems?
Dr. Forward describes the different types of toxic parents:
The Inadequate Parents: Constantly focusing on their own problems, they turn their children into “mini-adults” who take care of them.
The Controllers: They use guilt, manipulation, and even overhelpfulness to direct their children’s lives.
The Alcoholics and Drug Addicts: Mired in denial and chaotic mood swings, their addiction leaves little time or energy for the demands of parenthood.
The Verbal Abusers: Whether overtly abusive or subtly sarcastic, they demoralize, humiliate and threaten their children with constant put-downs and rob them of their self-confidence. In the extreme, these are the Narcissists who often demonstrate joyful cruelty and sadism.
The Physical Abusers: Incapable of controlling their own deep-seated rage, they often blame their children for their own ungovernable behavior.
The Sexual Abusers: Whether flagrantly sexual or covertly seductive, they are the ultimate betrayers, destroying the very heart of childhood – its innocence.
This section includes a series of articles and useful tips to help free you from the emotional chains of your relationship with your parents … and build an exciting new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.
Remember: You are not to blame for what happened to you as a child! Your toxic parent(s) are!
Recommended Reading
- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
- Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
[affiliate link], by Dr. Susan Forward
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
[affiliate link], by Dr. Karyl McBride
Hello, just found your site after getting into a very bad fight with my dad and it helped a lot. I’m almost 38 and I’m just now able to admit that how he’s spoken to me since I was a child was verbal abuse. But now it’s much worst. I’m a proud single with a now 11 yr old and I’m always trying to stop him from hearing grandpa screaming or seeing me crying after. My father and I are very close but it’s a weird dynamic because he can get out of control angry at any time and have… Read more »
I’m 24 and my parents are 62 my parents were my first bullies when I was a child they would always tell me I was dumb and that I would only amount to work in a factory they’ve always questioned my intelligence and have degraded me telling me that I’m so nasty that I’m ugly that no man would ever want me and that I have to take care of them since I’m the youngest out of my siblings and they are comparing comparing me with everyone’s else’s kids mom always plays the victim crying saying this girl is younger… Read more »
Almadelia, you are only 24! Take advantage of that! I am 40 and when I was 24, I had 2 children and I was struggling. I wish I just had someone to take care of them while I was in school, which is why I couldn’t finish it when I got back! You are single and have no children! Use the advantage of the internet; find a roommate(cheaper way to live on your own), go back to school at least part time! Focus of what good you could accomplish. Look up positive thinking, trust me, it’s real! I finished school… Read more »
you are so young and can have a wonderful life ahead of you if you just let go of the hurt. Do not let the hurt destroy you, become the phoenix
You can get through! Life will get better! It’s hard work finding your voice and finding yourself…hell I’m still working on it. But you can take charge and have a choice. I was suicidal too, a drug addict, a very angry person. I’m still angry but I’m trying day by day to control it and to choose joy and it works. Some days are harder than others for sure! But you can do it! You’re so young and beautiful don’t ever let anyone decide who you are or if you are pretty or not! I hope life gets better for… Read more »
I’m 24 and my parents treat me exactly how yours treat you. My number one advice is to get motivated to change your life. Yea your life didn’t start good but it dosent have to end bad . We have control of our own lives and we can make them into anything we want them to be. First thing to realize is that your parents are wrong, my parents called me my whole life a dumb, ugly and good for nothing. I spent years in the most darkest depressions. It’s kinda silly but I’ll tell you what sparked a new… Read more »
I’m at a loss for what to do in my relationship with my parents. I’m in my 50s and they are around 80 and having some health issues. Because of emotional abuse and neglect, I have attachment issues and many other issues, including low self-esteem. My parents have disowned me from the family several times since I was in my 20s, for no reason except (I’m guessing) that I dared to express my feelings (meekly) a few times. I finally reached out to them after the most recent time they excommunicated me (about two years maybe three) because I did… Read more »
Attn. Saridah – Travis Bradberry in the following URL offers very practical advice, if you can work on your personality to pull it off. I myself have learned long ago how to turn myself into “an objective, teflon facade”, as necessary, in order to survive. That doesn’t mean i hold back emotions, as that’s too stressful. I can laugh and have some passable passtimes with Ms.Toxic (a resident in a local rehab ctr.) But all the while, knowing how treacherous she can be, i remain internally detached, and never relay anything too confidential. I can also be forceful when called… Read more »
Same as me in my 50s mum 80. same rejection and then critissing that I do not care about her, then it goes on. I try my best do everything for her then get critissed and it goes on, my mum has no one my brother does not want to know for years now. she had no friends and does no longer tlak to any of the family, so its just me,, its so difficult, i want to walk away bit if i do she had no=one to help her and she can,t manage even to call the GP
From what I’m hearing it sounds like your parents are extremely toxic and do not appreciate you. Listen to the signs; if you feel worse after talking to them, you don’t even miss them , they impact your life in a negative way. Those are all signs that you should cut ties. Maybe you can’t because your addicted to that kind of treatment and maybe you feel a little bad about your relationship with them. But you have to understand that you are doing everything in your power to rekindle your relationship with your parents ,it’s not your fault but… Read more »
At 42 years old I am currently living with my ignoring narcissistic mother. I tell myself it’s to save money (London property prices are so high) but that’s probably my trained codependency talking. I’ve truely had enough and once sorted out a new job I’m leaving and going no contact for good. She’s not dependent yet but part of my abuse was her threatening to commit suicide if I don’t look after her. Well I don’t care anymore after all the abuse and emotional torture she has inflicted on me. If I have to look after her I’ll be the… Read more »
I understand what you’re going through. I am 32 years old. I live approximately 2 miles from my mother who is a disabled drug addict! I take her to treatment every couple of weeks about an hour away. They put her on Suboxone to get her off a 25 year addiction to pain pills. I have to hold her medicine and give it to her daily. She calls me threatening me daily trying to get extra medicine. Today she done the WRONG thing. She came to my house and argued and belittled me in front of my 10 year old… Read more »
I have to escape to save myself. I totally understand, She threatens to make false allegations along with the other past blame she put on me for getting attention from APS and or police. I have a daughter that will not go near her she witnessed just enough to know what she would put me through. Name calling, stealing, mind games, threats, I severed once before and I suffered retaliation that now I see has caused more damage then I thought. It is to the point where APS wants to blame me for failing her and letting her slip through… Read more »
Hi, Pollyanna. I live in London too and my mother is a total narcissist and disabled. My dad is 90 now and blind and her enabler. I’ve had to cut them both out as the verbal abuse and cruelty was too much. I’m 51. Your mum won’t get better but worse with age. You’re best off trying to get as far away as possible as it will be harder the older she becomes. I’m scared of turning into my mum and her persistent negativity has totally poisoned by mental health and changed my character. good luck!
it feels like I am the only one going through this I also live with my mum and she ignores for days at a time then has an emotional blow out if i do not try to please her in some way.its so frustrating.i need to get out to.
Dr. Forward’s description of “The Physical Abusers: Incapable of controlling their own deep-seated rage, they often blame their children for their own ungovernable behavior” … brings to mind the moment I realized my mother blamed me for her inability to love me and hated me for it.
Hi , this is my first time talking about this and still I am having a hard time believing it took me 56 years to realize or i should say see the mom for who she really is . I blocked out 56 years of abuse and now I can not see amything in her eyes but hatred , disrespect, manipulative, lies, and does what ever she has to do to make others look bad and herself to play a victim even if means throwing your children away like trash. Growing up was hard my mom was always sick and… Read more »
I truly understand bc that’s what I went thru an still going thru it’ I talk to god daily to heal my pain an nothing seems to work my physical emotion with the dealing of aging dementia mother! She is out of control only with me not my other sibling at all! Not even my drug addiction brother who takes her for granted! ???
Attn. Liz – Sometimes things are irrational. I have the same from two of my older siblings who act irrationally toward me. I get such reactions from other people as well, since i’m different than your avg person. It can even be physical. I.E. Look up “Misophonia”. I suspect my siblings may have misophonia.
TY for posting this. I’m 58, have been in therapy for a year for adult children of narcissistic abuse. My parents, 80 and 77, will soon be needing home care. I live in Kansas, they live in Maine. I am the scapegoat, the oldest, with 2 younger brothers. I’m sure that they have already disinherited me and I am really afraid that if I go back to take care of them I will be thrown out, too. I have fibromyalgia and am disabled, so that scenario would put me on the streets. I hope that this situation works out for… Read more »
Vickey, if you’re not well, then it’s your brothers’ responsibility. You shouldn’t have to feel responsible, given your past abuse, as well as them living cross-country. Your health comes first.
I fell bad for all I’ve read, yet awakened I am not alone. This is more common than I thought. I’ve sunk in a derp depression because I’ve always done everything in my life to make my mom happy and all she’s done is manipulate, lie and threaten me with the cops Getting this out of my system makes me feel better, I pray all of you good people have the peace and blessings you deserve for being there for your parents, when there are others that just abandon them. I hope and believe that after had read all your… Read more »
Thank you for telling your story, it must have been terrible for you as a child and an adult, be strong and know you have survived, we all seek a caring parent and that’s what keeps us putting up with the abuse, it will never change how many of us have looked at advice saying have a chat with them tell them their behavior is unacceptable blah blah blah, we all know that never would never work, they would get even angrier and abusive if you try and reason with them, the best thing to do is walk away and… Read more »
I have a mother who has the appearance of normalcy but is truly a mean monster. She is jealous of any success myself or sisters have and our children. She is now in a nursing home and threatened my sister with police since she has control of her meager banking now (huge debt included). Says we are leaving her there to rot. She falls constantly and still goes outside to smoke, fell out there. Thinks she is fine to leave nursing home on her own, called her landlady and told her she was coming back. She has a cycle of… Read more »
When my mother dies, everyone will be crying including me, but I will be crying for a totally different reason than everybody else—I’ll be crying because I will be overjoyed that I am FINALLY FREE!! Free from her emotional abuse, free from her manipulative ways, free from her nasty & cruel actions, free from her miserable & negative attitude. From the day I was born, she never told me she loved me. If I expressed any emotion, she’d tell me to stop crying or to stop acting like a baby. She used to hit me with one of those paddle… Read more »
I am 56 years old and live with my entire immediate family which includes my 12 year old son, my sister, her 12 year old daughter and are elderly parents who are 85 + 90. We’ve lived with our parents as long as I can remember because they refuse to live apart from us. My father is currently in a nursing home with dementia. My mother is a bitter old woman who is very negative and acts like a child when she doesn’t get her way. She just totally brings me down and depresses me and I am sick and… Read more »
I feel your pain. Do what’s best for you and your kids now. You can’t let your mom and sister rob you of your entire life and any shred of happiness. You’ve done enough for them!!!
If there’s a way for you to safely move away, without your sister knowing where to, that might be best for you and your son emotionally.
Omg,, your mom sounds like my mom!! But my mom and dad have to live with me because my alcoholic dad ruined his brain from drinking (had a massive seizure) and they didn’t put aside any retirement savings. He is 80 and she is 76. So I have him, he should be in a nursing home because he is non-functional and her, she keeps him around for his pension money. And she is a nightmare: narcissist, evil woman !! It’s everything you said and more. My sister takes my mom’s side because of guilt about moving out of the country,… Read more »
I was told I should’ve been aborted, verbally & physically abused, graphically threatened with homelessness as a 3-10 year old, and in teen/adulthood my mother turned my siblings against me and loved telling me I was worthless when I was in pain. She never worked but was a compulsive spender and gambler, and left my father in the poorhouse. When she died, I cried because I would never have the mom I needed, but then I cried because I had survived her.
I survived her!
Every day now is a gift. Not glad she’s dead, but relieved it is OVER.
Hi Holly, Wow. My DEEPEST sympathies to you. I could write until my 49th birthday and I’d still by listing out all the cruel, mean, violent, mentally, and verbally abusive acts my mother has dished out to me. On my mom’s last visit she stated in front of me that it was mistake having kids. My mothers has been putting me down, hitting me and sucking the life out of me since I was a young girl. I’m now 48 and I’ve HAD IT. My mom is 68 and sadly I wish she’d just drop dead so I can be… Read more »
My one concern, is that everyone who’s had abusive parent(s) should try to ensure this doesn’t repeat in their descendants. Too lenient, and they might become like your parent(s). Too abusive, and ditto (or they’ll be crushed). It’s an epidemic! Our society has got to change, and become less self-absorbed, more conscious of others. Also less ostentatious, more minimalist.
Kudos to you … I admire your strength and sense of humor about this. Love love love your strong boundaries and ability to see her as a separate entity attempting and failing to manipulate you. She’s just not nearly as skilled at it as she used to be and it’s much easier to see through her pretenses, yes? Plus, the more she puts on her show, the more transparent she becomes. We need to trust our perceptions and believe in ourselves more every day. We grieve the loss of the mother we never had. You deserved to be loved every… Read more »
There’s one factor which i doubt anyone pointed out here. The common denominator is that there’s something about American culture which seems to have fostered all sorts of narcissistic social traits in so many people over the past century. I just think it’s time for everyone to recognize that, and then try and focus on a minimalist family-oriented lifestyle, with no ostentatia, or comparing oneself to the Smiths & Jones. If everyone would “go back to basics” as much as possible in today’s modern world (but with less self-absorption) that might help turn this country around. I like the world… Read more »
Thanks for this article–very helpful. I had two parents who were severe withholders. The verbal abuse was there, the physical neglect, malignant narcissism, but the withholding was profound. I felt invisible.
Sorry – I just hope some significant others in your life stepped into the breach.
My father died 2 years ago. I have been there for my mum and helped her in every possible way that I can. She is a drinker but not a drunk. Last week she was trying to goad me into an argument. I resisted but then she started to have a go about my daughter. I did retaliate but not shout or swear. She came at me with her fists, hatred in her eyes, swearing at me then threatened to grow boiling water at me. Since then she has made up a lie about a text that she says I… Read more »
Hi, sorry to hear, I am where you are but only worse. She was evicted from her nursing home on Friday after a month, my sister and I cleaned up her old apt, bought her tons of groceries, etc. On Sunday, she was home alone and called the police claiming we abounded her without food, water, medicine, etc. I am friendly with law enforcement, so she knows to call the local dept to claim these issues, thankfully the officer who is a friend knew she she was just trying to stir trouble!!! That’s Twice in 6 months, how can a… Read more »
Here’s an article that could help you:
How to Deal with a Toxic/Controlling Mother https://ouragingparents.net/deal-toxic-controlling-mother/
Now that you are an adult … Do your parents still treat you like a child? Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents? Do your parents control you with threats or guilt trips? Do you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents? Yes! this is what I deal with on a daily basis. The sad thing is I live with my mother and do not have the funds at this time to move….I will however, make this my primary focus for the first part of this… Read more »
I am 43 and I slowly but surely start to believe that my 67 years old mother is Narcissistic. I only saw her toxicity recently. It took me that long to realised?! She pulled me down in my life and criticised me countlessly of times. Burned my leg and arm with the hot iron while she was ironing my school uniform for a bad behaviour of shortening the hem of my skirt. It didn’t help that my father walked out on us when I was 6years old. I was the only child she had and she controlled all aspects of… Read more »
It’s amazing that there’s so many of us with parents that are bullies, controlling and toxic.
Mom has family members thinking it’s me, but I’m starting to understand why my mother behaves in this manner. My grandma was insanely jealous of her daughters and extremely controlling.
I would love the opportunity to talk to someone about the situation I am living with right now. It’s unbearable.
Wow, I didn’t realize how many people have these issues in common. I am back here because I saw a reply to my post here months ago. I’d forgotten I’d even posted it. Sadly, nothing has changed about my father. He’s had no contact with me even though my husband, as we speak, is in a nursing home dying of cancer. Could sure use my Dad’s love and care right now, but he doesn’t have it for me anymore. He’s only interested in his women friends. That’s fine. He just might end up dying alone and penniless. He need not… Read more »
I’ll save you the gory parental details. What I can say to anyone in dealing with toxic elderly parents is that spending some time figuring out how you can name and then defend certain non negotiable boundaries for yourself, spouse, kids, etc is the first step in surviving this nonsense with your self respect and integrity intact.
I was born with ADHD which was not diagnosed until I was an adult and, because of it as well as my poor coordination and clumsiness, suffered peer rejection, verbal and emotional abuse, bullying and teasing from kids and society. I now have (untreated) ADHD, AvPD, along with some bipolar and OCD. Unfortunately my parents also played a negative role in my childhood. My mother would constantly yell at me, call me names, accuse me, and often embarrassed me publicly. Mother has always been in denial of what she has done, and fits the bills of “controller” and “verbal abuser.”… Read more »
I have a 64 year old father who indirectly killed my mother. Years of abuse and terror, my mother developed a fatal illness and passed a way last year. Leaving my father. He is an alcoholic, abuses drugs and is sexually deranged. He lives a life that we as his children cannot be apart of. Its dangerous and unhealthy, yet even now at 64 he doesn’t show any signs of changing/calming down. My mother divorced him a couple of month before she passed and left explicit directions that her house was to be sold with the strict priority my father… Read more »
Here I go again, Okay my step father of over 27 years has passed. He passed away in March. My mom acts like it is a big relief. She even acts happy. She told me he drained her emotionally. It is just my sister and I to look after her. She does not drive or want to go anywhere other than the casino. She walks very little before she needs to rest. She is not in the best health. She is 79. My mom does not want my sister and I to have a relationship. My mom is very manipulative.… Read more »
Unless you’ve been through it, you will never know how vicious your own parents can become. My father, who was once rock-solid and responsible, suddenly turned into an 80 year old 17 year old boy. He did nothing but chase women (of all ages), tell lies, had a restraining order taken out on him by a ‘girlfriend’, turned all his assets over to his sister, and then have a lawyer send me a letter to leave him alone when I was trying to help him see that he was going to get seriously hurt by his risk-taking behaviors. I am… Read more »
I’m sorry to learn that you are going through such a traumatic experience. I’m not a doctor, but your description of his new behavior suggests that the frontal lobe of your father’s brain has been damaged. According to healthline.com: “The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that controls important cognitive skills in humans, such as emotional expression, problem solving, memory, language, judgment, and sexual behaviors. It is, in essence, the “control panel” of our personality and our ability to communicate.” If the change in his personality was indeed “sudden,” he may have suffered a “mild” stroke that affected… Read more »
You’re not alone. My 79 year old grandmother has essentially done the same thing – turn on myself and my parents for no good reason after years of a very close and loving relationship. She retired to a rural area where my parents and I have cabins abutting her property. We spent virtually every weekend with her over the years, holidays and much more. 2 years ago, a unscrupulous character moved into town 15 years younger than her – he’s a text book sociopath who has turned her against her own family. She was showing some signs of Slipping prior… Read more »
My 91 year old mother is a Narcissists. I am to the point where I can not even call her or have anything to do with her. She has a very toxic relationship with my older sister. They gossip, back stab, manipulate anyone and everyone. They talk behind their children’s backs and create all sorts of problems. They are two little peas in a pod. Every time I reach out to try to help my mother I get stung. Comes back to bite me in the butt. I am soo done with her. But on the other hand I am… Read more »
It’s hard to believe that our elderly parents can be abusive given their condition that they are aging, fragile and weak. But the truth is, this happens and the worst part is this, we just don’t hear about it unlike when they are the victims of abuse. I’ve written a guest post about this, thinking that it’s about time to discuss this issue openly and encourage caregivers who are victims of elderly abuse to speak up. You can read the post here: http://thecaregiversvoice.com/tips-caregivers/caregiving-woes-abuse-of-the-caregiver/. I’ve discussed different ways to deal with this kind of abuse and one is to avoid retaliation.… Read more »
Whoa. I’ve been trying to figure out what my remaining Grandmother, my spouse’s Grandmothers, and my Father are. And they are Toxic. The MIL leans that way (she was attacking me when no one else is around, but I’m hoping I found the words to make her back off) and the FIL tried it out on me, too, but I scared him with angry fire in my eyes because I’d just been through his wife’s and my father’s games, and it is lucky there was a door between us so I don’t think he will be trying that again…what do… Read more »
Parents who treat their children with lies, abuse and denial only fill the hearts of their children with hatred for them. Such parents, at an elder age, do not hear from their children when they are in need them and then blame the society for making them this way. It may sound harsh but these sort of abusive parents actually deserve to suffer in their elder age.
So true
I agree 100%
My father has destroyed me.i hate him. He has now started on my youngest daughter, who, does not understand what a manipulative evil twisted person he is, she cannot see that I’m trying to protect her from the years of abuse he has put me through, which she knows very little of, and now thinks it’s me that’s cruel. I hate him. I despise him. I pray every day, sadly, I’m not that lucky. I hate my father.