Here is excellent advice from one of the regulars in our support group.
… I also have a mom who is essentially miserable, but can show her nice side when it suits her. Here is what I have figured out so far, in case it helps you.
- Moms like ours base their lives almost entirely on their feelings (which can change from moment to moment, often without a warning) and on their internal scripts (which are their version of reality based on their wounded view of life.)
- They only know how to deal with life by being a victim or a persecutor or a rescuer, depending on what their feelings dictate. (These dysfunctional roles are from the Karpman Drama Triangle). Our job has always been to take the role they assigned to us based on what they felt at the moment.
- If they are happy, we may not see their dysfunctional side. If they are not happy, all bets are off.
- They cannot handle intimacy, because they are ashamed of themselves. They react poorly to the people closest to them because they make them feel unsafe.
- They also cannot show genuine empathy because it feels painful to them. It feels unsafe to give of themselves unless they are getting something in return (attention, praise, control, etc.)
- They don’t know how to authentically love because it is too scary to be vulnerable or trusting.
- They are emotionally immature and never learned how to process their emotions or manage their chaotic minds. They cope by controlling, manipulating, raging and other unhealthy mechanisms.
- We grew up with their dysfunctional modeling and views of life and reacted to it as best we could. Those of us who became codependent “pleasers” thought we could make them happy if we obeyed them. We had no idea that that was never a possibility or that it was their job to soothe themselves and deal with life.
- Their illness makes them see things from a completely one-sided perspective.
- Because we are their children, we have developed our own issues. The only gift of having them in our lives is that we can grow and become more virtuous and have opportunities to authentically love, even as we recognize that with them, love is probably not coming back at us in return. This is ultimately a tragedy for them, as being unable to love must be so torturous.
- Their dysfunction can push us to our physical, emotional and mental limits, which only creates two broken people.
- While they definitely give us many reasons to leave (which may be the right choice), we also may choose to stay for practical and spiritual reasons. It is a choice either way. If we maintain contact, we must proceed with caution and protect ourselves. You cannot maintain contact unless you are fully healed are are very centered in who you are and what you value.
If we choose to stay in contact:
- We must be whole.
- We must radically accept their limits and not expect what they cannot give.
- We must have strong boundaries.
- We must have a strong arsenal of tools to deal with their dysfunction.
- We must accept that no matter what we do, there will always be another crisis. They crave drama and neediness, and we need to accept that as long as they live (unless they get help), this will forever be an ongoing process.
- Addressing their individual “wants” at the moment does not usually solve the problem or fulfill their true needs. When we enable them by trying to meet their unreasonable requests, it usually contributes to their issues and validates in their minds that the problems are as they see them. It also validates in their minds that their approach is the proper process to getting what they need (i.e. they rage or do some other dysfunctional things when they cannot handle their emotions and we respond by trying to read their minds, fix things, comfort them, and oblige them.) Thus, our perceived “nice” responses actually perpetuate their issues.
- Without therapy, they will always want us to CONTINUALLY meet their needs. We need to override their process and recognize that the true goal if we stay in contact is to create a space for healing for both of us. For me, this means not making things worse, having healthy boundaries, being who I am, and giving opportunities in the relationship for true healing.
- We cannot fix our relationship with them. It takes two for a relationship. All we can do is provide an environment for something potentially good to happen.
- We can see them with eyes of compassion. They are broken. They are hurting. They have chaotic minds. Compassion does not mean letting their chaotic minds dictate our actions, though. What dictates our actions is our own moral compass.
- We do not help matters by being “nice”, rescuing them or giving them dysfunctional things they claim they need. We help by seeing what is best for them and for us. And sometimes that means having a lot of distance.
- One of the casualties of having a disordered parent like this is respect.
Here is what has helped me have compassion for my mother:
- I recognize that she is deeply afraid and ashamed.
- She doesn’t respect herself or others.
- Her toxicity will never be addressed because she is too afraid to face herself.
- She is hurting and all she knows how to do with these feelings is hurt others, dump emotions on others, hide the feelings or get others to manage the feelings for her.
Here is what has helped me have compassion for myself:
- I will not pretend that her behavior is acceptable.
- I accept that detachment is the only way to handle being in her presence.
- I accept the truth that I was abused, and I will heal those aspects of my life.
- I will make my own choices and manage my own feelings.
- I cannot make myself feel something I do not. (I have no sentimental warm feelings when it comes to my mother.)
- I can enjoy her good qualities but do not have to stick around when I am not comfortable.
- I can learn to handle her anger/tantrums/guilt trips and not let them bother me.
- I can become stronger by seeing the truth, taking care of myself, recognize my reality, getting support, and owning my life.
- I can see that my mother is a scary person who needed me to be weak, but instead of letting her scare me into weakness, I will now use that energy to heal myself.”
We welcome your comments. And, if this post was helpful,
please share it with your friends.
Article Summary
Article Name
How to Deal with a Toxic Controlling Mother
Description
Toxic elderly parents suck the life out of their children who, even as adults, are constantly drawn back into their poisonous web of abuse, lies and denial. Here's how to handle them.
Author
Mike Gamble
Publisher
Our Aging Parents
This has helped a lot. I felt that it was just my sister and I that were in this situation and often thought it was all my fault and that I was always in the wrong. I just need to learn to stop feeling guilty and live my life. Same for sis! Thank you!
This article is right on point with what I have been going through with my mother all my life, I just never knew what it was. The one positive thing I can say is that she taught me exactly what I don’t want to repeat with my daughter!
Hey,Girls and Boys !!! I just want to ADD my own “SPOT ON,” to the BRAVE THINGS you guys have shared. I truly, sincerely, WISH YOU GOD SPEED !!!; On your HEALING JOURNEY. And at 71 yrs. I can FINALLY TELL YOU with complete CONFIDENCE = that NO it’s NOT YOU !!! It’s OUR SICK, PERMANENTLY BROKEN RELATIVES , who will NEVER MEND PROPERLY. ( We can only say a small prayer for those of us who have broken down completely under this pressure and have turned to alcohol, drugs, illegal behavior. Catherine H.)
This article is the only description online that I find that is perfectly targeted toward my situation with my mother. I have been looking for this author’s contact, but I can’t find it. Is anyone else facing this situation interested in forming a WhatsApp group to share resources and best approaches? For those interested, please contact me (I.C.) at (242) 424-6632. Wishing you all the best.
Nailed it… exactly what I have been struggling with.
Hi Inga,
I would be interested in joining your WhatsApp group.
I hit this thread whilst looking for how to deal with a difficult elderly mother and read it. Wow it opened my eyes after a particularly difficult say speaking to mums doctor to tell him we think she needs care but enjoys her suffering and sitting on a chair in her diapers moaning. I had the eureka moment that she has ruled my life for ever. She is 94 and I am 54. I always put her behaviour down to a brother being killed early in his life but my aunt has confirmed she has been evil like this when… Read more »
Just one word…WOWW. Every word feels like it is my very own. I am 40 and it took me 30 years to realise that my mother is the only reason for all my sufferings, known and unknown. Cultures and ethnicities may differ but toxic people are the same everywhere. Your article provides me a sign of relief that there are many responsible children out there who get jacked for all their niceties while also sacrificing their happiness for the only reason of being born in the womb of a sadistic mother. Have seen it all right from my childhood including… Read more »
Thank you so much for this, and for these very insightful comments as well. I’ve experienced my own mother as controlling, angry, critical, competitive, and somewhat narcissistic all my life. She would routinely show one face to her family, and a starkly different countenance to the outside world. Friends and neighbors perceived her as sweet and sacrificing, while those in our home had an entirely different picture. Now that she’s elderly, I’m grateful for the benefit of an expanded perspective. I’ve learned her own mother used to treat her the very same way, so much of what she’s displaying is… Read more »
To Mike Gamble,
and to Maren –
WOW to both of you!
This is an interesting article. I am a 57 year old male who has a very toxic mother and has been pretty much abused all my life. She is in her 80’s now and still tries to control my life and belittle me. I wrote her a 7 page letter that was worded how I felt. Sending this didn’t bother me at all. I outlined her abuse towards me. And I said if she didn’t respect me, I won’t respect her. I pasted a note she had left for me that was extremely childish and passive-aggressive in the letter to… Read more »
Spot on. Thank you for this. I am 62 and my mother is 83 and is in constant turmoil and toxicity with me and just about everyone else. Her level of narcissism and selfishness is beyond measure. When I’m with her (4 times a year) for 3 – 4 day visits, I know I regress into a child, tiptoeing around to be sure I’m doing everything “right”, not to upset her, and being laser-careful of conversations or words lest they are misconstrued and cause an argument. She’s a victim from the word “go”; everyone else is at fault and she… Read more »
Renee, I read this comment and my heart goes out to you. I experience much the same thing — that constant and maddening “victim” mentality can be used like emotional jiu-jitsu, haha. What resonated most is that what often seems (to us) like even a simple gesture of support or safeguarding touches off a firestorm of rage, resentment, and controlling behavior. I, too, have been on the receiving end of these sudden and extended “freeze-out/no-contact” intervals — even when my mother has been aware I’m struggling with some sort of major life challenge myself. I suspect that, to mothers with… Read more »
I as well found this article helpful. My mother has had emotional issues since I can remember. Happy one minute, rage the next. Her feelings are all that mattered. We had to lie to everyone that we had the perfect family. Once I married and left home, the manipulation and projecting became worse. Every thing is my fault. I am cursed out and made to feel like a horrible daughter often. I am expected to attend to all her needs (she is now a widow and I have a brother and sister). After 26 years of marriage and miserable with… Read more »
This article exactly describes what I see happening with my 76 year old divorced mother. She has 2 sons, me and my brother, and after a 7 week ‘fight’ with her I called her this morning. She was brief but neutral to positive and sent me a text message an hour later thanking me for calling her and putting my arm around her a few weeks earlier. The phone call and message appeared to be a sudden final repair of this 7 week state of war and I happily informed my brother on this. He was happy and relieved, because… Read more »
I really needed to hear this, drowning in the guilt pool by a narcissistic mother, I love her dearly, but I’m trying to love myself more
Im so glad I found this article. I’m 52 and now understand I’ve lived with a toxic mother my entire life. And the damage to my family has been catastrophic. I’m single and don’t have children because I’ve always been terrified I’d be a repeat of my mother, and I never wanted to have that type of effect on a husband or children. I’ve essentially spent my life being the complete opposite of her. My father passed away last Monday and I travelled interstate to help her with arrangements. Today we had a massive fight where things were said on… Read more »
I am the same age as you Jodie and a very similar situation. My mum has never approved or liked any of my boyfriends or friends. She doesn’t really have a good word to say about anyone or anything. I am single too and I am living at home as I am getting over cancer and horrendous operations. When anything is s wrong with me my mum tells it will pass not to go to the hospital. When I say I am scared of the cancer coming back she tells me it won’t. She won’t let anything get in her… Read more »
You are so brave. I’m 62 and my toxic mother is 87. I’m waiting for her to die as I am not brave enough to stop seeing her. Sending love to you x
This was a long awaited for and brilliant analysis of this syndrome. We need a name for it. Thank you for describing my mother and what she does, and that in itself helps so much.
Thank so much for this article my Mom has been real toxic to me since age 20. I am almost 40years old. My Dad (He is now deceased) raised me from age 9.5 to 19yrs old. As I became more mature my Father’s respect towards me increased but my Mother’s respect decreased especially during my first marriage and the birth of my 2 daughters. One example comes to I had a C-Section with both my children and each time she demanded Organic Bolthouse carrot juice Hallal meat and bottle spring water. Not even allowing me to recover and wining about… Read more »
I thought my mother had multiple personality disorder turns out she is toxic.. I am so happy that I found this article..my mother had been abusing me and my father for a long time and i dont know how my father handles her tantrums.. she even tells that he steals money from her and cheats with my uncle’s wife who lives next door and all the other woman who came is contact with my father..at some point you will belive these lies..one day she started yelling at me for no reason telling that I steal money from her and that… Read more »
This is unbelievably accurate! I have tried so many of the strategies above my problem is my mother’s complete disregard for my decisions. For example I explained that my husband and I would celebrate our daughters first birthday together and that we would do something with the extended family at a later date. My mother drive 4 hours and landed on the door step. She told me that children don’t belong to their parents and that they belong to the community and that I can’t stop people from seeing her! 4 hours distance is not enough! Then I feel guilty… Read more »
So much of this rang true for me. This has been my life. Constantly torn between trying to do what makes me happy and trying to please my mother. Every time I try to do something to please her, I inevitably fail, because she still finds fault somewhere. We have parted ways once, many years ago, and she said she would never contact me again, but 2 weeks later she was phoning me and asking why I hadn’t called her. I have always felt that she was dependent on me to make her happy, that she couldn’t find ways to… Read more »
Brilliant article! hits all the major points